i'll be stuck fixated on one star

i'm in a zoom meeting right now. oopsie! not focused at all.

i have finished my rough cut of the reels for the pride center, but it needs more work still. but i'm liking how it's turning out (kind of), but i need to find some corporate pop and edit a few words out. the second one still needs B-roll, but otherwise seems pretty good.

i have averaged 4.8 episodes of house a day since i started. i haven't been able to watch almost any other show. it's so bad (it's really really good, i'm enjoying myself immensely) and i'm going through it far too quickly. and i miss the main cast but i love thirteen so much. who wouldn't? i'm not actually in the zoom meeting anymore, it's incredibly hard to try and think when business is going on in your ear (and in the room around you, we were all crammed into one room. it was funny, we had fun). and some of my friends got me little squishy cows from a college fair today!! and X and L conspired to bring me doughnuts since i wanted some so bad last night.

i've been kinda anxious today, which is fun (not). i keep getting pulled away to do work and not blog. lame. all i want to do is blog. X and V came to see me, cute, i wanted that. i got a hug and then immediately got pulled away to do more work. ugh. i just want to watch house. i'm so tired. this post has accidentally spanned three hours of my life.

i need to uninstall depop.

house update: season four, episode twelve.

good morning world i have been so sleepy. i've been working my ass off this week, i am doing freelance videography for my local pride center! i'm actually really excited, i would love to foster a relationship between me and them and be their go-to guy for video work (don't know if that's realistic, but hey, i'm making money!)

i need to edit a fuck ton today. aside from the pride center, i am also working on a project for my student internship, which involved being on a boat, which was awesome and now i want to try rowing. but it also means i haven't had as much time to watch house. i want house. i miss house. i have fit some in, but not enough. not nearly enough.



house update: season three, episode twenty two.

goooooood morning world i am so so so fucking tired. i started watching house.... two days ago? maybe? i'm on season one episode 19 and the only reason i am not watching it right now is because i'm on the phone. also the reason i didn't watch more last night, because i wasn't alone. and i was not gonna interrupt sacred game grumps time for house. even if he’s all i was thinking about. plus i'm almost done with the main story for marvel's spiderman 2. which is crazy. years of buildup for me. and this is the last point to upgrade before the end of the story. but i've really really enjoyed it so far. i like it a lot. i'm just now so fixated on house, everything else feels a little dull. besides him. they're sharp and sweet and gentle and kind and overly concerned with beating me to the register (i won last night). and my bracelets are hurting me, and all my necklaces are scattered to the winds, and man should i make up cool code names for my friends? my, 22m, friend, 23x...? has just turned 23 today. man that was clunky. reddit format doesn't work here, as silly as it is. i'm so close to putting my head down and falling asleep right here. sleepiest guy in the world award goes to me. my prize is a soft soft bed. and a new spiderman plush, mine is truly overloved. skinny in all the wrong spots. seen enough, seen it all. things are okay. enough. busy busy, i'm working tomorrow on a freelance video for my local pride center for a tdov event which is exciting and awesome but a little daunting too. my eyes are literally closing right now. and holy block of text, i usually love the enter button! i guess it's return on this computer. maybe that's why i'm less inclined to hit it. not everything will come back. and not everything will stay like it was. change is good, change is expected, change is inevitable. i hate new york and i hate the way the pain always expands (to a weight that collapses on itself).

i miss spiderman. i miss house. i miss necklaces that are too long and sweaters swaying kind of awkwardly, and when take this to your grave was new to me and when greatest hits was new to me and when vessel was new to me, and when i first laid eyes on someone i could never have known would want to keep me around just as much as i want them. and i miss the mint mojto coffee from philz the very first time and the start of jokes i would never know would be carried so far. aaaaand class is over. talk here soon.

my macbook has 4%. okay 3%. and i'm tired. and the guy next to me is playing sfx and music out loud on his laptop. and the endo has not called me to schedule an appointment. and i forgot one of my earbuds at home. just the one. and... i miss my boyfriend and my not boyfriend and i wish i was asleep and also in a completely different place. happy wednesday.

if i was a cartoon character, i'd have floating stars circling my head, but every other star would just be some form of testosterone. i am awaiting a call from an endocrinologist which should be... so close to getting on t. i know i'm mentally letting a lot ride on this, but i'm finally just ready to do it and figure the rest out later.

when i asked my doctor about hrt, her first words were "i knew it!" which was so silly and immediately reassuring (i could literally hear my heart beating in my chest). overall she just said she'll find someone local with more experience to refer me to, but she can be the prescriber and everything (which is cool because i like my doctor actually). so now i'm in a waiting game that feels a lot more final than it has previously... excited but nervous.

a handful of nights ago, i woke up in a panic, one i've mostly blurred out by now, and contemplated everything i am and could be. i sat with a friend on the phone, and we kept each other safe, and i moved my pill bottle away for good measure. i made it through, like i knew i would, but i can't say i wasn't a little scared.

three days ago, shaken up by my bad night, i was truthful with the doctor in a way i almost didn't mean to be. opened up a little too much, and was faced with the option of admitting my mental state to my parents, or being "escorted" to the hospital for a psych eval. nothing has changed a lot since, but i think i'm glad it happened. maybe.

two nights ago, i woke up in a panic, and tried my best to breathe through it. i reached out, to the same friend, and was met with comfort and safety (just like i had been before). i made it through, again, and i was not scared like i had been so recently.

tonight, i laughed. i watched music videos with a friend (who had never seen the youngblood chronicles), and we went to matsuyama and ordered something i had recommended to them last time we went. we ordered almost identically to each other. i called in the order for them, and drove, and they paid, and made a queue of songs we love. we came back to their house, upstairs to their room, and watched those reddit stories we love and silly videos and a game they like that i've started to like to. at some point, we curled up, and they fell asleep.

i looked at the hand i was holding, and saw a bracelet i'd given them off my own wrist ages ago. it's part of their daily stack. i looked around the room. posters of concerts we went to together, tapestries of bands i had shown them, and plushies of characters that we share. i think i was struck with the feeling of being loved, of seeing the impact i had on someone else's life. i took my meds at the right time, as silently as i could, to preserve their peace. they trust me enough to fall asleep with me, and let me run my hands through their hair. i realized that long nails are good for petting cats and playing with hair, and i'll keep them around. these are the kind of moments i want to live for, and in, forever.

i am really good at doing these updates!

had my appointment, neglected to mention all the symptoms but got something else to help with anxiety in the meantime, and got a psych appt for 2 months out. now, we do play the sit and wait game. the meantime meds do kind of work (still in the testing phase), but they were such a massive relief the other day at school.

yesterday was really good, and i felt real joy (major switch up from how it's been). i told people i was not getting my hopes up, and taking it just as it came to me, but unbeknownst to me, i did actually get my hopes up. i am nothing if not a fool, but at least yesterday was good.

birthday plans have fallen through again, and we might celebrate it after thanksgiving instead. managed to piss my dad off about it, so i'm not pressing the issue. kinda don't care at this point, i'll just wait until i'm 23.

feeling super nauseous right now, but i'm trying to manage. already identified the anxious state, just waiting to see if it's going to escalate or not. overall, i think it's going okay. feeling less jerked around by the lexapro, just on my own kind of ride now. hasn't quite made me feel like everything's going to be okay, but alas... circumstances and situations... they'll always get you in the end. okay actually speaking of those, maybe it hasn't been that good but i've already forgotten about most of it. bad memory for the win!

obligatory i should update this more often comment :)

why wait for perfection when i could get thoughts out right now?

the first post of anything will always be nerve-wracking, so i might as well start now. who knows what i'm going for here anyway? certainly not me. i'm outrunning a couple thoughts that i guess i could acknowledge here, but i'm gonna keep my feet on the ground for now. we'll get to all those later.

everything will remain under construction for the foreseeable future <3