letter to myself
Nov. 17th, 2024 12:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
themusicorthemiserya handful of nights ago, i woke up in a panic, one i've mostly blurred out by now, and contemplated everything i am and could be. i sat with a friend on the phone, and we kept each other safe, and i moved my pill bottle away for good measure. i made it through, like i knew i would, but i can't say i wasn't a little scared.
three days ago, shaken up by my bad night, i was truthful with the doctor in a way i almost didn't mean to be. opened up a little too much, and was faced with the option of admitting my mental state to my parents, or being "escorted" to the hospital for a psych eval. nothing has changed a lot since, but i think i'm glad it happened. maybe.
two nights ago, i woke up in a panic, and tried my best to breathe through it. i reached out, to the same friend, and was met with comfort and safety (just like i had been before). i made it through, again, and i was not scared like i had been so recently.
tonight, i laughed. i watched music videos with a friend (who had never seen the youngblood chronicles), and we went to matsuyama and ordered something i had recommended to them last time we went. we ordered almost identically to each other. i called in the order for them, and drove, and they paid, and made a queue of songs we love. we came back to their house, upstairs to their room, and watched those reddit stories we love and silly videos and a game they like that i've started to like to. at some point, we curled up, and they fell asleep.
i looked at the hand i was holding, and saw a bracelet i'd given them off my own wrist ages ago. it's part of their daily stack. i looked around the room. posters of concerts we went to together, tapestries of bands i had shown them, and plushies of characters that we share. i think i was struck with the feeling of being loved, of seeing the impact i had on someone else's life. i took my meds at the right time, as silently as i could, to preserve their peace. they trust me enough to fall asleep with me, and let me run my hands through their hair. i realized that long nails are good for petting cats and playing with hair, and i'll keep them around. these are the kind of moments i want to live for, and in, forever.
three days ago, shaken up by my bad night, i was truthful with the doctor in a way i almost didn't mean to be. opened up a little too much, and was faced with the option of admitting my mental state to my parents, or being "escorted" to the hospital for a psych eval. nothing has changed a lot since, but i think i'm glad it happened. maybe.
two nights ago, i woke up in a panic, and tried my best to breathe through it. i reached out, to the same friend, and was met with comfort and safety (just like i had been before). i made it through, again, and i was not scared like i had been so recently.
tonight, i laughed. i watched music videos with a friend (who had never seen the youngblood chronicles), and we went to matsuyama and ordered something i had recommended to them last time we went. we ordered almost identically to each other. i called in the order for them, and drove, and they paid, and made a queue of songs we love. we came back to their house, upstairs to their room, and watched those reddit stories we love and silly videos and a game they like that i've started to like to. at some point, we curled up, and they fell asleep.
i looked at the hand i was holding, and saw a bracelet i'd given them off my own wrist ages ago. it's part of their daily stack. i looked around the room. posters of concerts we went to together, tapestries of bands i had shown them, and plushies of characters that we share. i think i was struck with the feeling of being loved, of seeing the impact i had on someone else's life. i took my meds at the right time, as silently as i could, to preserve their peace. they trust me enough to fall asleep with me, and let me run my hands through their hair. i realized that long nails are good for petting cats and playing with hair, and i'll keep them around. these are the kind of moments i want to live for, and in, forever.
