i'll be stuck fixated on one star

small steps (big steps?)

i finally went and got a doctor. <- and since drafting this, i've had the appointment! it definitely feels more like big steps, on the other side (if we can call it that). i'm nearly two weeks on lexapro, and holy fuck is it beating me up. i'm getting a bit better at identifying my emotions, and i think i'm proud of myself for that. doesn't mean i've gotten better at handling them, but identifying feels big for me! lots of things i wouldn't have placed before are now getting named.

being more aware of how i'm feeling has its downsides too, and my med check up in two days is going to be really fun (explaining how much worse it's gotten) but my sources tell me it gets better after this (google, friends, enemies, etc.) so fingers crossed. not looking forward to explaining suicidal thoughts "but not like that, it's not that serious, don't put me in a hold lol"... but i think we can talk like adults about it and it'll be fine. god, i hope so. i also switched to taking it at night because i was so incredibly tired for the first little bit. never had such painful yawns.

very lucky to have multiple people around me who feel the struggle and are there for me, but hard to not feel like a massive pain in the ass for how i'm acting and feeling all the time. sure, it's not much different than it really was before, but now i'm loud about it. feels weird and a little bad though. my sources also tell me i'm supposed to lean on my support system, but the jury is still out on that. yelling on the street corner, or cleverly masking your words, am i right?

that's all for now. hoping to do more minor updates more frequently, but lots of things are getting pushed to the side right now. it's not you, it's me.