i'll be stuck fixated on one star

[current fronter: jon (she/he, 30s)]

good morning, dreamwidth. today i have put far too much lemon juice in our tea. our tongue is not happy about this. not even watering it down seems to help

it's been a remarkable few days here, made more so by how normal they already feel. we used to be a plural system with a main fronter; now we switch out every few hours, not by chance but according to our own plans. ive heard the voices of headmates who haven't fronted in years. we feel truly plural for the first time

nightshade was completely depleted of life. this could be explained simply (zey were depressed), but i find it more accurate to think that zey lost whatever energy zey had that was meant to shield the rest of us from the cruelties of this world. zey had been our sole protector since the body was four. i think zey became too saturated with pain. zeir spirit ran out. and, honestly, zey'd gotten us to a place in life we can manage with teamwork long ago. so that's what we've started doing. we've broken up our work shifts into pieces and do mini "shift changes" after each break. and we share our time outside of work, too. i think everyone is susceptible to a feeling of emptiness once they've been at the front alone for too long, so we've instituted a buddy system so everyone always has company—and solitary fronting is limited to two hours

im surprised at how easy it's been. i think this is what nightshade's heart has been guiding zem toward all along. zey've experienced a lot of things (depression, despair, dysphoria) lately, but the constant has been a feeling of wanting a change. those specific manifestations deserve scrutiny, but i think this was the thing zey needed. it's encouraging to see zem enjoying life more now that zey are responsible for tiny pieces of the work day instead of the whole thing. and a side-effect of this is that it no longer upsets zem when zeir scattered but well-meaning friend barely texts zem at all during the day. zey weren't present for it! and it hardly bothers us. it's been a shift for that friend, certainly, but i think a necessary one. the cost of nightshade always being available to talk to him meant zey had to endure long periods of silence and the feelings of abandonment that came with it. now they will talk when nightshade wants to be here. i hope he appreciates zeir presence at the front as more of a gift than a baseline

we all feel fairly unified in our goals for the life as a whole, too. before our big shift, nightshade wrote a lists of traits zeir ideal self would have. by and large, the person zey imagined is someone we would all enjoy being: social, creative, physically fit, engaged in a lot of hands-on hobbies...hard to argue with any of that. even goals zey thought would be tied specifically to zem, like zeir writing projects, have turned out to appeal to more headmates than expected. i think a lot of zeir depression stemmed from how impossible zeir big goals felt. it must feel strange to share those projects with other people; conceptualizing zemself as a writer has been a constant in zeir life since childhood. i hope zey can still take pride in the projects we work on together. they still feel like nightshade's projects; to me, it feels like zey are the master and we are the students working in the same workshop as zem

there has been an exciting new development lately: nightshade has made a new friend! they are someone in our main discord that zey clicked with immediately. they seem like a thoughtful, kind person who tends to be open about their emotions (much like nightshade), and it's no surprise that they connected right away. we are all a little wary of how this will play out, though, given that this is that discord (the one where zey dated two different members, with both relationships being absolutely awful). it's less zeir own growing interest in this person that worries us; it's the fact that they seem to be equally interested in zem! what a nerve-wracking development! but im being dramatic. i like this person. they are very good at holding a conversation over text, which is a welcome change from our local-but-spacey friend. i hope they talk more, and i hope the development of this friendship is pleasant for both of them. nightshade has felt...awake again, in a new way. it's nice to have one's thoughts valued and sought out like that

update from a few days in the future: those two are off to the races, it seems. they've voice-chatted about all sorts of personal topics, and it felt affirming and comfortable and exciting for zem. before nightshade went to bed last night, zey said it felt like no one's ever expressed this kind of interest in zem. this could develop in all sorts of ways, but this new person has expressed a potential interest in dating if things happen to go that direction. god, what a joy to be pursued! i think there is no better salve for their recent wounds than that

what else? we made a very tasty tuna melt. we had a big corporate visit at work that went well. nightshade started a new collage art project that has been fun to execute so far. every other thursday, one of our friends hosts murder mystery club. he's a good host who is very thoughtful about choosing a pre-show and post-show as well, often with works that have entirely different tones and visual styles. nightshade had the idea to take screenshots of the things we were watching during the showing and then turn them into a collage. very fun process! and the result is that other people who attend club now have an art piece to remind them of what we watched that session. i think we'll keep doing this. other than that, we've had a great deal of work to do. today is our only day off in between six-day weeks, so we have a lot of chores to handle. time to get on that, i think