i'll be stuck fixated on one star

let's not bury the lede, right? i am, as of tonight, (maybe by the time i finish writing this post) three ish days on testosterone. i say ish, because i've already been inconsistent. oops. i am going to get better, though! just starting a new routine.

i have the gel. some people love it, some hate it, but i'm personally not injecting shit, so this is great. yes it smells like alcohol, and then it dries and i'm fine. i'm ready for everything to start changing, and also dreading it badly. i still haven't come out to my dad. and my mom wants me to wait on hormones for at least a year. so everything is secret and guilty and dusted with enough anxiety to make me doubt. but overall, i want it so badly and i know that i do.

i just went on a day trip to the beach with L, X, and X's family. i feel like i need a masterpost of who's who, but that can come at a different time. it was cold and windy and the sand hurt like shit and it was amazing. i love the fucking ocean, man. and i used tape to bind so i walked far away from everybody, practically alone on the shore, and i was topless at a beach for the first time ever. in a transmasc winning kind of way. took another walk with L later, and they held my shirt so i could go even further in and just experience trans joy for that moment. i um. wore full length sweats. so it wasn't an in the water kind of experience, not fully, but enough for me for the time being. we're already planning on going back, and i can't wait to try again with actual swim trunks this time. maybe even a spiderman swim shirt. we'll see.

i did my "this is my voice" video at the beach. i'm excited. everything feels scary. and bad. and good. it's a weird, fucked up way to feel. but right now, it's all one day at a time. life pans out.

a handful of nights ago, i woke up in a panic, one i've mostly blurred out by now, and contemplated everything i am and could be. i sat with a friend on the phone, and we kept each other safe, and i moved my pill bottle away for good measure. i made it through, like i knew i would, but i can't say i wasn't a little scared.

three days ago, shaken up by my bad night, i was truthful with the doctor in a way i almost didn't mean to be. opened up a little too much, and was faced with the option of admitting my mental state to my parents, or being "escorted" to the hospital for a psych eval. nothing has changed a lot since, but i think i'm glad it happened. maybe.

two nights ago, i woke up in a panic, and tried my best to breathe through it. i reached out, to the same friend, and was met with comfort and safety (just like i had been before). i made it through, again, and i was not scared like i had been so recently.

tonight, i laughed. i watched music videos with a friend (who had never seen the youngblood chronicles), and we went to matsuyama and ordered something i had recommended to them last time we went. we ordered almost identically to each other. i called in the order for them, and drove, and they paid, and made a queue of songs we love. we came back to their house, upstairs to their room, and watched those reddit stories we love and silly videos and a game they like that i've started to like to. at some point, we curled up, and they fell asleep.

i looked at the hand i was holding, and saw a bracelet i'd given them off my own wrist ages ago. it's part of their daily stack. i looked around the room. posters of concerts we went to together, tapestries of bands i had shown them, and plushies of characters that we share. i think i was struck with the feeling of being loved, of seeing the impact i had on someone else's life. i took my meds at the right time, as silently as i could, to preserve their peace. they trust me enough to fall asleep with me, and let me run my hands through their hair. i realized that long nails are good for petting cats and playing with hair, and i'll keep them around. these are the kind of moments i want to live for, and in, forever.