i'll be stuck fixated on one star

rough day. rough rough rough reality. curse being a writer, curse bending every song i hear to fit a tragic scenario because then, in my own scenario, i can't listen to my music without hearing my life in it, tragedy and all. fall out boy is banned today, and spotify can suck it too for starting my shuffle with golden.

my qpr has dissolved backwards, and we are friends again. and it isn't the end of the world, but it hurts like it is, and i know it'll still be fine. it's just day one, hour... 6. ish. so i'm allowed to go through all this, and it's allowed to hurt. i woke up crying today, as soon as i thought about it. and i know he's gonna read this, or he could, and i don't want to make it sound dramatic, but we. it is going to hurt, it is going to ache. this isn't as prose-y as i once hoped, for my dreamwidth-livejournal-pete wentz levels of aching dreams, but there's time for that later. now is the brain dump.

and maybe i do actually have to stop, before i start crying in class. i'm all out of witty outros and silly lines.

is it really fair to feel unheard? mute words on deaf ears and the world will just keep spinning, right? putting just enough effort into a text to fly under the radar, like a sick lie detector test. throw me into space, it'll treat me the same.
not enough effort to be kind to another person, though. failed that benchmark and my phone won't go off again tonight. leave enough messages on read, you won't have any more to read. is that what i want? am i pushing, am i kicking and screaming and biting in the worst ways? am i just silent enough to fade a little, a wavering image of a person i was or could have been, if i had just done it all differently? making all the wrong moves and just waiting to get caught in the act. hurting people isn't a move, you're just destroying everything. is it fair to pretend like i... wanted this? didn't want this? i'll never make up my mind. telling all the wrong people all the wrong things like my wires are crossed. cut the red one? no, the blue one. grab them all and pull as hard as you can, see which one gives out first. it might just be me, but i bet it'll be someone else. i always hold on too tight until suddenly i don't. were we ever friends?

it shouldn't make me want to throw up when i lie to you. (it does.)